Facebook Breakups: Hard To Do, Not So Hard To Watch
Posted By startswithanx on November 12, 2009
I love Facebook relationship status updates. It’s the closest thing us common folk have to a publicist confirming to Us Weekly that we’ve officially broken up with a significant other, are dating someone or have tied the knot. So Mama got a little excited when I saw it.
Then I got a little sad and then curious and finally I settled on gratitude that it wasn’t me. (Basically the same reaction I had when Jessica and Nick’s mugs were splattered with the word “SPLIT!” on the cover of every gossip rag a few years back.)
A Facebook relationship update greeted me good morning yesterday. A dude I went to high school with is now single, as was explained above the beaming red heart logo that indicates a relationship update. Since most of his friends on FB are also friends with his now ex-girlfriend, it had to have been a little awkward for him and homegirl.
So, after some dillying and dallying, I prepared myself a bowl of cereal and returned to my laptop only to find four fresh comments underneath the status update. All of them girls, all of them concerned, all of them wishing nothing but the best for the fallen couple.
Of course my mind got to wandering and I started imaging people leaving comments without the Shirley Temple filter. Ya know, comments that truly reflect what the people in their lives were thinking when they saw that these two finally made their break up official.
Here are a few I would’ve loved to see:
Her BFF: Good for you, girl! Find someone who actually goes down on you now.
His BFF: Awesome! Wait. Who gets the plasma?
Her Mom: He never even looked good on paper, dear.
His Mom: Let me know when you’re ready to meet Mrs. Patterson’s daughter.
Her Ex: What was that you were saying about finding “the one”?
His Ex: I tried to warn her.
Her Guy Friend: I have a truck. Need some help moving?
His Chick Friend: You poor thing! If you ever wanna talk: 555-HAWT.
Her to Him: Does my restraining order include Facebook? Because this update showed up on my wall and I’m pretty sure that violates the 30 feet rule.
Him to Her: I’m so happy you drive a Mini Cooper. Makes for easy tire slashing.
Not too sound bitter, but I HATE FACEBOOK. It’s just a glorified popularity contest. … That is all.
My bad on spelling to wrong. That is all.
First off, I would like to say that I am so happy to have you back blogging on nearly a daily basis now. Secondly, I can’t wait to change my own Facebook status one of these days. *Sigh*
I have a friend…scratch that, we have a friend that is constantly changing her relationship status. Someday I’d like to post a comment saying “Why does this stupid bitch keep going back to you???”
I know two folks (like the chick, despise the asshole dude) who just got divorced. And the facebook updates are EXCRUCIATING. She details every bit of his assholery, in veiled language of course, and it’s so incredibly painful. These little glimpses into everyone’s lives: not so great much of the time.
Her guy friend who couldn’t wait to tap that ass when she FINALLY realized she was too good for Mr. Douche: Sup? Beers later?
Him to hottie-pa-tottie he’s been FB stalking for the last 6 months: Me and the psycho bitch are through! Wanna come over tonight?
… And this is why I removed any of possibility of my relationship status to seep into my updates.
By the way, my own 78 year-old GRANDMOTHER changed her relationship status from “Married” to “It’s Complicated” shortly after joining Facebook. There’s something wrong with Nana feeling the same way about her third marriage that college girls feel about that guy who can’t make up his mind if he really wants a relationship.
those girls can’t wait to be taken out of the friend box.
And you *know* those four “concerned” friends are really just digging for dirt.
What is this Facebook of which you speak?
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ahahah i’m “that chick”. a friend of mine actually told me that i probably shouldn’t show my relationship status on my profile if i don’t want people asking me awkward questions or trying to flirt with me over fb. fair enough.
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