Jake’s work schedule changed and he now works Friday and Saturday nights. Saturdays are tougher to endure because they don’t come with two episodes of TLC’s “Say Yes to the Dress” and my new favorite obsession, “King of the Crown.”
It’s a show about a gay dude in the South who turns young women into prime pageant ponies. This last Friday’s episode touched on the pageant walk and how it’s about as easy to perfect as a triple lutz. Um, I begged to differ. So much so that I pushed pause on the DVR, got my ass off the ol’ recliner and gave it a go in front of the downstairs bathroom mirror.
You’ve never seen a gait so groomed, a smile so stretched, a wave so winning.
If doing all that with my breasts unleashed, barefoot and wearing velour sweats wasn’t pathetic enough a scene, I decided to further prove movies like “Bridget Jones’ Diary” aren’t so off kilter, after all. Out came the sparkly stilettos and open went the door to the only room in the house with a full-length mirror.
This is where the needle on the record makes a loud scratching noise and the music to Diana Ross’ “I’m Coming Out” abruptly stops.
Right before my eyes was evidence that Penny apparently had another craving for a hanging blinds sandwich. Yep. Another set of blinds destroyed courtesy of our adopted four-legged daughter. As Jake said, “One more strike and she’s back in the crate.”
More importantly, I think the sparkly stilettos are still on the floor in the spare room where I dropped them — and my jaw — last Friday. I couldn’t complete the walk after being face-to-face with the doggie damage. It’s hard to say which was more upsetting: The doggy damage or the fact I was ready to saunter toward myself in the mirror, smile at the judges and utter something about the challenges women face today.
I have to admit, I’m still curious what that would look like. Perhaps I’ll return this Friday to debut the X pageant walk in full costume.