Two Conversations. One Dog.
Posted By startswithanx on October 27, 2009
Me: Where’s Penny? Is she on the bed?
Jake: Who cares, come ‘ere.
Me: No, wait. Where is she? Seriously.
Jake: I think she’s in her bed. OK, come ‘ere.
Me: But, I don’t want her to see this. … Oh, fuck it.
Jake: Fuck it?
Me: Yeah, but NOT doggie style. I don’t want her to know what we’re doing.
This is the conversation you have with your boyfriend the first time you’re about to get down in front of your new dog.
This is the conversation you have with yourself the first time you’re about to go solo with your sex act in front of your new dog.
Me to myself: Alright just casually walk upstairs and maybe she won’t notice.
Me to myself: Now quietly shut the doors.
Me to myself: This isn’t so bad. Alright, where’s your mental masturbation portfolio? Oh, there you are, handsome delivery boy with the wrong house but the right package.
Me to myself: No, he takes too long. Go to the stuff that works fast!
Me to myself: Shit. Is she really whimpering outside the door right now?
Me to myself: You can do it. You did it in your bedroom inconveniently located next to your mom’s kitchen during college — even after Serena busted you — you can do it now!
Me to myself: No, you can’t. Listen to her out there! Forfeit the game already.
Me to myself: But, what about the threesome with you, Don Draper and Joan Holloway?
Me to myself: Forfeit the fucking game, I said!
OMG! Best Threesome EVER! I want!
This post made me blush. Why the mad men pic? You’re obsessed with that show.
We had a cat who’d try to dig under the door to get into our bedroom when the wife and I would get together. It was awful.
*Blushing* Seriously just reading that made me blush.
I am a wuss.
It’s all fun and games ’til someone has their taint licked by the dog.
Tips I find helpful:
-the louder the better….the dog usually wants no part of it
-get a bone/kong/treat just before things ‘perk up’
-don’t be afraid to gently kick/shove said animal off the bed
-when all else fails, put the sex toys, lotions and significant other(s) on the back-burner. That dog is just too damn cute, sometimes!!
Astrid, you know what I’m sayin’?!
Jake, duh, the Mad Men pic is in there cuz that’s who Don Draper and Joan Holloway are. Who’d you think I was talking about, real people? C’mon now.
Badass, I feel your pain.
Carolyn, what would I do without your blushes?
BMuttz, awesome tips. You’re kinda like the Dog Whisperer, only with sex. Ha!
I am a prude. The dogs aren’t allowed upstairs or in the bedroom so they still have virgin eyes. It will prbably be the same way when we have actual children.
G-R-O-S-S!!!!
Ahahahaha I LOL’d at this one from my cubicle and people are starting to stare. So amazing. Esp the part where Asian Spice says the dogs still have “virgin eyes” Poor little Gordie has probably watched me get down with one too many men from inside his crate (sorry little buddy but mama’s gotta get hers, and I would say too here but we all know I took away that dream from you last Christmas).
P.S…Oh, there you are, handsome delivery boy with the wrong house but the right package. = AMAZING.
FREAK-lol! why didn’t u ever put a lock on that door? (note to self).
You are so funny. Seriously good stuff here
Laughing my ass off. Seriously. Dying.