Heathcliff: He can talk about real estate and stocks like Bubba can talk about shrimp. Heathcliff has the punctuality of a wristwatch in a new time zone but his Yoda-like wisdom makes up for it. The frugalest of frugal, he considers the 99 cent store proof that Jesus exists.
Clair: She used to rock power suits overseas now she rocks Christian music over every radio in the house. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Clair has a lot in common with Shaquille O’Neal in that she tends to look down on people. But her voice is like Bob Vila’s hands: it fixes everything.
Chet: He uses terms like “negative” instead of plain old “no” and gives his sisters the same treatment I gave my bangs in the ’80s: endless teasing. Although Chet broke bench press records in high school and probably peer pressured some kids into alcohol poisoning, his adult interests relieve him of the jock/bully stereotypes: Star Wars and War of Worldcraft.
Venus: She is more anal than a gay porno. Don’t believe me? Venus will pull out the rule book during a game of tic-tac-toe. It’s hard to say which she throws better: a good party or a left hook. Both Martha Stewart and Kimbo Slice happily coexist in Venus’ body.
Serena: An emotional little thing, Serena could be brought to tears by a “Rock of Love” elimination. She loves a good argument, even if it means outlasting an 8 year old in a heated round of “does not,” “does too.” We think with the same corrupt brain, Serena and I, which makes for a lot of avoided eye contact during church services, family prayers and anything else in which outbursts of laughter would be inappropriate.