Character Study 33 and one third
Posted By startswithanx on May 28, 2008
Jake: He’s the man I fantasized about while the other fools were wasting my time. Because of Jake I now know two very valuable facts: MSU needs to recruit better cornerbacks and Big Foot is not fictional. He has a quick wit, a a slow hand, grilling techniques George Foreman would envy and eyes that I imagine only the Sistine ceiling could rival in beauty.
Keith: Fifteen years my senior, this one still had his mom’s nipple in his mouth. The only thing Keith sucked harder were Lucky Strike cigarettes. He couldn’t make a comittment but he made a fine Bushwacker (it’s a drink, preverts). He wanted me to give up my dreams for his: to fornicate prostitutes in east Asia.
Flav: He’s about as bright as the lighting in a romantic restaurant. More vein than anyone Carly Simon ever knew, Flav has probably kissed his muscles more often than his own children. All 38 of them. We broke up because, well that’s just what you do with guys like him.
Kanye: The worst part about Kanye: his extreme cockiness. The best part about Kanye: his extreme cockiness. He had dreads, a tattoo sleeve and a dumb bitch magnet on his penis. Kanye and I dated bootie called it for a few years; until I got rid of the dumb bitch in me.
Eddie: He drove a Mitsubishi Eclipse and bit his lower lip while bumping Will Smith music. If that’s not enough to get the gag reflexes going, he was also a returned Mormon missionary. I broke it off with him after five months of guilty sex (his guilt, not mine) and virgin cocktails.
So when Eddie would bite his lip while listening to Will Smith was he trying to be sexy, like when LL licks his lips?
Not so much an attempt at LL sexiness as it was an effort of looking cool, one he failed miserably at.
So, it sounds like the guys you dated were extremely vain, but it also sounds like at times you liked that. Is Jake humble compared to those guys? Or could he use a little more cockiness in order to increase his sex appeal?
Actually, I’ve never liked a vein guy. It’s always been a turn off for me. Most of those guys were just bad habits not to be taken seriously.
As for Jake, I would never instill that quality in him. He’s a sweetheart. I just hope I don’t turn him into a dick.
wow – what a fun trip down memory lane!!!!! where would you be without Jake?????
[...] I came home from work the other day, my doorbell rang. Jake and I don’t know our neighbors, Heathcliff considers unannounced visits about as polite as a [...]
[...] Jake and I didn’t close on the casa as planned. Had to change our scheduled days off at work, the move in date, the utilities, the whole freakin’ enchilada. This comes after days of endless faxes, untimely trips to the bank, and enough calls to our mortgage guy and real estate agent to bump them to our T-Mobile Top 5. [...]
[...] time that day. As he inspected the two neon yellow balls in his hand, I jumped up and straddled Jake in one brisk motion. But I didn’t once take my eyes off Nadal and his [...]
[...] I knew he wouldn’t do that intentionally. I really did. It’s just, I guess I had a cocksucker flashback. Translation: I remembered when my exes didn’t introduce me to friends. It was because they [...]
[...] A friend and I met up at the Palazzo Friday night. I know this makes two weekends in a row that I’ve hung on the Strip, but I can assure you this is not normal. As a local, I think of the Strip the same way I think of cocksuckers of my past. There was some good stuff there, but all in all, WAY too much trouble. [...]
[...] Jake is going out of town this weekend for a wedding. It just so happens the madre, Clair as you know her, is coming in for a visit. I’ve asked her and Cliff to stay at my place for the weekend. [...]
[...] Thursday night’s U of U vs. TCU game. See, Eddie (who you can find out a little more about here) loves BYU (the U’s only rival) the way, oh I don’t know, someone who actually went [...]
[...] ex, Keith, used to do give himself away with the words he’d use: “Yeah, me and the crew are gonna [...]
[...] Excuse the interruption, but I really must address those fools right now. It will be but a moment. Dearest Cocksuckers, [...]
Hilarious. Asian Spice recommended your blog to me and I immediately copied and pasted this in an email to her confessing my new-found love for you.
[...] years ago, while dating Flav, I took my anger out on his cocksucker actions while behind the wheel of my SUV. Big deal. Get over [...]