It’s Her Party and She’ll Kick You Out if She Wants To
Posted By startswithanx on August 3, 2009
Saturday night was Venus’ annual birthday bash. She had trays of chocolate cake shots greeting guests. Gourmet Mexican Whore’s Durves in the back room. Two cupcake cakes piled high with butter cream frosting. And a margarita drinking fountain. I kid. It was really a Pabst waterfall, or beerfall, rather.
The point is she throws down for her parties. And sometimes she throws down an ass whooping. This year was one of those times.
Carlos came as a guest’s plus two. He, his faux hawk and a pair of over-tweezed brows managed to BUG the instant they arrived. He interrupted conversations to introduce himself to every woman at the party. He rubbed himself against strangers on the dance floor. He announced how hot he was whenever a photo was snapped. And, much like red eye, Facebook photos have revealed that he jumped into several pics uninvited.
But those weren’t the worst of his offenses. Carlos committed the most flagrant birthday party foul I’ve ever witnessed first-hand. Besides, of course, busting out a gat.
The lights were dimmed. The music was low. The candles were lit. I did my best geisha walk from the back room to the dance floor, cake in tow, as the party seranaded Venus with the ol’ “Happy Birthday to You” lyrics. Just as we finished the last line and the birthday girl pondered over a wish, Carlos squatted down. Right about here, someone pushed slow-mo.
Carlos huffed and he puffed and he blew those candles out. That’s when the proverbial record scratched.
All of us looked at Carlos and then looked at Venus. Carlos, Venus. Venus, Carlos. It’s been a long time since she’s told someone — Martin-style — to “GETS TO STEPPIN!”, but it must be like riding a bike cuz homegirl picked up right where she left off all those years ago. With a smile on her face and a pat on Carlos’ back, Venus ordered him to “Get the fuck out.” After a little encouragement from a large black man, the fuck out is what he got. And can you blame a sister? I mean, I’ve been to Chucky Cheese parties at which guests knew better.
But kicking someone out of her party for blowing out the birthday candles is quintessential Venus. The girl doesn’t fuck around. And that’s why we love her.
Here are a few other reasons why I, her middle sister love her:
When I was a sophomore in high school, a group of about seven cholas decided I wasn’t Mexican enough (odd seeing how I was the only one of full blood). They wanted to jump me after school as punishment. I did the dee, dee, dee, duh, doo, doo, doo on the school payphone and Venus showed up to help me with a little Mexican Hat Dance on those bitches.
Whenever I visit Utah, she has a storage of TV shows she’s saved for me to watch.
After my boyfriend broke up with me and Annette Mascarenas “All I want is penis” started wearing his Raiders jacket, I thought my 13-year-old world had come to an end. And then the day of my 14th birthday came. Half my junior high jumped out from behind couches and kitchen walls when I opened my front door, yelling “Surprise!” … No wonder so many kids wished me happy birthday in the halls that day. Venus planned the perfect surprise party.
If I ever need someone to read the rules of a new board game and stick to them like super glue, I know I can count on Venus, which is how she earned her nickname “Game Nazi.
The week before seventh grade, I confessed to my big sister, while sitting on our kitchen counter, how nervous I was for my first day. What if I’m not cool? Will the boys like me? And other pathetic questions were involved. She let down her “I hate you, you annoying little leech” guard and told me how pretty, smart and cool I was, the perfecft popular girl cocktail. I went to school with confidence and I honestly credit it to that conversation.
The first person I call when I’m pissed the fuck off, sad as hell, ecstatic as a mother or just want someone to listen to me breathe for two minutes, is Venus. And she always answers.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, VENUS!!!
Happy Birthday, Venus. Again, I’m sorry and do regret that I missed your party, not only because it is always the BEST party of the year, but apparently, I missed the rare “GET THE FUCK OUT” moment. Although, I do seem to recall a guy a few years back wasn’t allowed to come in at the “white party” because he wasn’t wearing white. Not as dramatic, but still fucking cool. Keep kicking ass. I’ll be at the next one. That’s a promise.
I read this about 5 minutes ago but I had to wipe away the tears and blow my nose. Thanks for making me tear up from laughing my ass off and getting emotional all in one post. It had been a very long time since I’d given anyone the boot it felt good to get back to my roots. LOL! Thanks for all the sweet memories, love ya middle sissy!!
this is very sweet – I of course do not know all you kids did when you were younger and supposedly under my supervision. I am glad you guys are there for each other. la familia in utah is going over to venus hse for cake and ice cream. Venus – happy birthday to the oldest of my three “dollies” as your dad always called you. I love you corazon de melon.
Happy Birthday Sissyfiss! Thanks for always calling me before you go to bed, putting up with me when i am grumpy, always having a Lost premier and finale party, and being the coolest big sissy in the world-even though you shoved birthday cake in my face on my 10th birthday in front of all my friends! okay, even then, i still love you!
happy birthday venus — my sis’s bday is tomorrow … now I am beginning to understand why I always think I know you when your sister writes about you!
jake we did miss you not being at the party~ i am glad you promise to be at the next one….Venus hurry and plan another one so we can get the vegas family back to Utah…we miss you guys.
Happy Birthday Venus…the party was a blasty blast~ as always!
and as always X thanks for a great post….always fun to read!
Whoa, as always you know how to butter up your older siblings with these great posts you do.
Hey, you already got the MVP for the party, are you working up for the next BIG Par-Tay!! ; )
Happy Birthday Little Sis! It was fun as always.
I am just glad you kicked him out and not have me do it like you use to do back in tha DAY!
Happy Birthday Venus!
Happy Birthday!!!!! You Guy’s have awondeful family and I love how close you all are! That is the way it always should be. I can only hope when my Kid’s are grown that they are as tight and love eachother as much as the 4 of you! Happy Birthday again (sorry I am a day late)
Your Party was bad ass as usual!!
I SO want to crash one of Venus’ parties. But I know she wouldn’t put up with that shit for a second.
Sigh.
Aww, that was sweet and hilarious. I have to learn the black-dot trick, it took me and my family a few minutes to figure out that Venus had actually blacked out a face. Glad to hear why. That’s the line, no one blows out someones birthday candles.
Not only was the birthday party fun, but this blog to follow was amazing as well. I am glad I was there to witness Fo Hawk huff and puff his way right out the door, as well as watching you show fierce all night long with trophy in hand.. Glad I got to see you, it has been a long time since.. xoxo
This post makes me wish I had a sister. So sweet! Belated Happy Birthday VENUS!
Happy Birthday to Venus!
And next time, I want to be there when the smackdown goes down.
Sounds like a good time.
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