We’re all familiar with the guy we know and refer to as the Douche Bag. His hair could win honors in art sculpture exhibits. A sudden smile from him leaves the same blind spot in your eyesight as a camera flash. And, his car’s spoiler should come with hovering abilities it’s so space age.
Yes, he could be your neighbor’s son, the neglected nephew or the kid bagging your groceries. Whoever he is to you, to the rest of the world he is the Douche Bag. But what about his female counterpart, the Douche Baguette? Have you met her? Allow me to be the first to introduce you:
- DB loves to color her hair, but insists on one of two styles. Skunk streaks — those are the “highlights” that are actually just stripes — or the lovely pitch black bottom layer on a head of hair that otherwise resembles pee-stained snow.
- Juicy Couture sweatsuits, preferably just above the pubic bone, make DB giddy. But lopsided Ed Hardy hats? Oh, she’ll trade in her supreme deluxe tanning salon membership for one of those.
- Flower designs, crystal thingies and fun stickers, DB believes, should all just be included in the price of a standard pedicure. The only add-ons should be, like, that one time she had them airbrush Nickelback lyrics on each nail.
- DB’s MySpace page boasts 78 photos of the cleavage under her breasts and a mere 3 pictures of her 4-year-old daughter, who is her “world.”
- DB signs all her text messages with “Rock out with your cock out!”
- At parties, when DB has a mostly male audience, she likes to rub up on her close girlfriends and occasionally pinch their nipples. The Douche Baguette community as a whole refers to this as “dancing.”
- She used to like Disney characters on her ankles, then got into tribal work on the small of her back, but now DB’s settling on arm sleeve tattoos.
- She doesn’t speak French, but DB’s acrylic nails are always in a French manicure and she’d like to know if that counts.
- DB thinks of her life in two phases, Before Silicone and After Silicone.
- Last but not least, when the Miss Hawaiian Tropic judge asked DB what her proudest accomplishment was, she wanted to know if he meant, like, what VIP lines she’s gotten into.
And, there you have the Douche Baguette. I know, I know. You know her, you just never knew her name. Isn’t it great to finally put a name with a face? You can thank me later.