Introducing: The Douche Baguette
Posted By startswithanx on June 23, 2009
We’re all familiar with the guy we know and refer to as the Douche Bag. His hair could win honors in art sculpture exhibits. A sudden smile from him leaves the same blind spot in your eyesight as a camera flash. And, his car’s spoiler should come with hovering abilities it’s so space age.
Yes, he could be your neighbor’s son, the neglected nephew or the kid bagging your groceries. Whoever he is to you, to the rest of the world he is the Douche Bag. But what about his female counterpart, the Douche Baguette? Have you met her? Allow me to be the first to introduce you:
- DB loves to color her hair, but insists on one of two styles. Skunk streaks — those are the “highlights” that are actually just stripes — or the lovely pitch black bottom layer on a head of hair that otherwise resembles pee-stained snow.
- Juicy Couture sweatsuits, preferably just above the pubic bone, make DB giddy. But lopsided Ed Hardy hats? Oh, she’ll trade in her supreme deluxe tanning salon membership for one of those.
- Flower designs, crystal thingies and fun stickers, DB believes, should all just be included in the price of a standard pedicure. The only add-ons should be, like, that one time she had them airbrush Nickelback lyrics on each nail.
- DB’s MySpace page boasts 78 photos of the cleavage under her breasts and a mere 3 pictures of her 4-year-old daughter, who is her “world.”
- DB signs all her text messages with “Rock out with your cock out!”
- At parties, when DB has a mostly male audience, she likes to rub up on her close girlfriends and occasionally pinch their nipples. The Douche Baguette community as a whole refers to this as “dancing.”
- She used to like Disney characters on her ankles, then got into tribal work on the small of her back, but now DB’s settling on arm sleeve tattoos.
- She doesn’t speak French, but DB’s acrylic nails are always in a French manicure and she’d like to know if that counts.
- DB thinks of her life in two phases, Before Silicone and After Silicone.
- Last but not least, when the Miss Hawaiian Tropic judge asked DB what her proudest accomplishment was, she wanted to know if he meant, like, what VIP lines she’s gotten into.
And, there you have the Douche Baguette. I know, I know. You know her, you just never knew her name. Isn’t it great to finally put a name with a face? You can thank me later.
Now I have a name for those woman/girls I point at and make fun of. Thanks X!
Cleavage is hot, though.
We have a couple of those “gals” at the private school my sons attend. Real nice girls.
I may have to seriously re think my hair style. Thanks for that.
*Disclaimer- totally kidding! I have anti DB hair.*
PPS I think that I dated the douchebag a time or two. Awesome!
Anyone that wears Ed Hardy is a bag or baguette! I love the new term!
I don’t know a single person who fits that description. Thank God.
Utah is flooded with these types of bitches…err baguettes. We are the silicone capital of the country afterall.
I believe I live in the DB capital of the world. Don’t forget to add that these DB’s have successfully mastered giving head to random guys in clubs with the Advanced Crest White Strips still adhered to their teeth. You know, multitasking.
Anyone who is claiming to live in the DB capital of the world, hopefully lives in Vegas because you have not seen a true DB until you talk into REHAB, Coyote Ugly or Rain on a Saturday night.
You summed them up perfectly, X. Great character study
yikes, db’s are nasty! i love the new term quite equivalent to some broette’s i know-lol!
was this about me?
I was unfamiliar with the Douche Baguette until this post. But yes, I’m know the type and they are as annoying as their male counterparts. But, I have to object to your dislike for the baguette’s penchant for pinching nipples. Nothing wrong with that …
In California we call douche bags bro’s and douche baguettes bro ho’s.hate em both.
You described ‘em perfectly. *shudders*
So, you mean the entire cast of Rock of Love?
I know them! They are the sole reason my female friends are few and far between.
Ah, yes, the Douche Baguette – what a strange and mythical creature! Thank you for giving us a name to go with the cleavage.
OMG, I know the hybrid… the Douche Faguette… it’s a cross dresser named… well I’m not legally allowed to say.
Hey, have you seen this news article?
New details about Michael Jackson’s Death Emerge
I was wondering if you were going to blog about this…
You are seriously RIGHT ON with this description
[...] this next part I need to tell you what I went as for Halloween. My original idea was to go as a Douche Baguette, but that would’ve meant spending money on Ed Hardy gear and my style conscience refused to [...]
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[...] passive-aggressive updates from the girls who need anti-depressants, contemplating deleting the douche baguettes – ya know, the usual. Then, I notice a new friend request and anxiously click on the icon. I [...]