Asian Spice and I had a brilliant idea recently. And by Asian Spice and I, I mean me. And when I say brilliant I mean well-intentioned. And by recently I mean, well, recently.
We set up two friends of ours. They’re both attractive, intelligent, single professionals in search of that special someone so we (I) figured what the hell?
So, Jake, Asian Spice, the two single friends and I all got together Tuesday for a few happy hour drinks. Translation: We all sat in awkwardness and searched for common ground and then — when discovering common ground — nodded our heads and looked back and forth at the two of them like mothers of toddlers on their first play date. “See, you both like Legos. OK, go find a teeter totter.” Or “See, you both drive cars. OK, go hump.”
As I listened to the painful getting-to-know-you banter (“So, how long you been in Vegas?”), I imagined the two of them just skipping the nonsense and getting down to the nitty gritty. And no, I’m not talking about whether or not they want children or religious mumbo jumbo. Ohhhhhh, no. I’m talkin’ about a whole different set of deal-breakers. This is how that kind of conversation would go down:
Single Man: “Yeah, I’ve lived in Vegas since I was 14. So, uh, what color are your nipples?”
Single Woman: “I’m so glad you asked because you might think they’re pink, but surprisingly enough these bad boys are milk chocolate goodness.”
Single Man: “Oh .. I love Hershey Kisses.”
Single Woman: “What?”
Single Man: “Never mind.” (Takes a big gulp and tries not to look at her boobs.)
Single Woman: “So, what part of town do you live on and do you live there with your circumcised penis or your uncircumcised one?”
Single Man: “Oh, not far from here at all and yeah, my bud’s been nipped.”
Single Woman: “Cool. (Sipping demurely) Dimensions? Girth and length, if you don’t mind.”
Single Man: “See that candle? (Nodding his head nervously) But enough about me, what’s the situation downtown?”
Single Woman: (Still looking for the candle) “It used to be baldin’ and scaldin’ but, I won’t lie, it’s been a while since my last relationship. And they said a white girl could never rock afro puffs. Heh! So, were you talking about the skinny dinner candles or the decorative, oversized one lighting up the entire restaurant?”
For anyone wondering, there won’t be any future play dates. But, wouldn’t it be awesome if getting to know you single talk went something like this or am I alone on this one?