Ambien: Bringing Couples Closer
Posted By startswithanx on May 6, 2009
One of my best friends, Miranda, has been with the same guy since she was 16. They have two rambunctious kids involved in several extra-curricular activities and both she and her husband work full-time. For her, gettin’ busy in the bedroom usually means folding a fitted sheet into a perfect square. She’d rather get in the sexual unemployment line than perform a blow job and an orgasm simply can’t compete with a “Real Housewives” marathon. So you can imagine her surprise when she woke up one morning — after a school night — and discovered a “sticky” situation.
Miranda: (After dialing her husband’s work number) Uh, babe? Did we, um, have sex last night?
Babe: Hell yeah, we did! I’m talkin’, I thought I was in a damn porno.
Miranda: (Searching her memory with lanterns and bloodhound dogs) WE DID?!
Babe: Don’t act like you don’t remember. You are a NAUGHTY little thing! By the way, where’d you get that leather leash?
OK, I threw in that last part, but the thing is she didn’t remember one detail of her turn as Jenna Jameson’s understudy. Turns out Miranda’s part of a small population of Ambien users who lose ALL sexual inhibitions when they take the sleeping medication and have NO memory whatsoever of their wanton behavior the following day. Apparently, Ambien is every not-gettin-any husband’s dream come true. When there are poses that could impress “Penthouse” photographers and dirty talk that could bring a sex phone operator to take notes, it’s on ’til the break of dawn. Or in Miranda’s case, it’s on until she gets off. Homegirl literally passes out immediately after arriving in “O” town. No matter what she’s doing or how close he’s getting. Snores and all.
As she shared this story with Samantha and I this past weekend, we were doubled over with tears in our eyes, but when she hollered something to the two of us later that night the fun came to a quick halt.
“Hey, did you guys see an orange pill in the bathroom? … I need to take my Ambien.”
Samantha and I looked at each other with our eyebrows encroaching on our hairlines. I had visions of holding Miranda — AKA rabid woman in heat — down in the middle of the night while a barefoot and frightened Jake made a quick escape. Would there be foaming at the mouth? Maybe we could just throw a vibrator at her and lock the door behind us and no one would get hurt? Samantha, who was sharing a bed with her, had other concerns.
“If I feel a finger in my ass tonight I’m not gonna be happy!!!”
Neither of us had anything to worry about, though. The beast is only unleashed when she takes a whole pill and she usually only does half. That explains why her husband’s been bringing her a glass of milk and an ear-to-ear smile every night before bed.
That finger in the ass comeback is priceless. HA!
that is some crazy shit! i’ve heard that some people also have late night food binges without knowing about it.
that.is.freakin.hilarous!
OH MY GOD. And hells yes.
Does it work with men too?
Hmm. I’ll need to get my wife to try some of that.
this is hilarious! this also happened to my mom once, she took one of those sleeping pills and could not remember anything she did.
My doctor put me on Lunesta because Badass snores like a fricken wildebeast but I’m thinking maybe I will have him switch it. Hmmmm. Something to think about.
I’m on the stuff and nothing exciting like that has ever happened to me. At least not that my roomies letting on…but then again he is gay so I’m sure I would have heard about it the next morning.
Oh and I have a question. Does she fall asleep and then do these things while she is asleep, like sleep walking, or is this before she ever falls asleep?
EquisBuffy, I never wake up out of a sleep, always before I fall asleep. I sometimes have a foggy memory of the events but they always seem like a dream not real life. I think it happens when I take the pill and don’t fall asleep right away. If you fight the sleep then watch out.
The Ambien story was the best of the weekend. After X told me, the next morning I went on the Internet and searched its side effects. And yep, losing all control sexually does apparently happen to some people. Pure comedy!
OMG! This is so scary and funny!
Awesome! I am glad that I came (ha!) upon your blog from the lovely UD! I will be back for more!
I don’t even think the power of Ambien would attract anyone to those tattered eagle’s claws Jake has!
And be careful, if I know that guy, he held onto a couple of the little orange goodies.
I seriously need some Ambien, but my family members have a history of sleepwalking. My little bro actually woke up choking on a biscuit, standing in the kitchen. I’m so sure I’d be out hooking if I took Ambien. I’d also like my husband to take it. You know how sometimes in the middle of the night you would wake up and roll over and start getting it on w/your signif.? Well that has never happened to me with my current hubby and I miss that. I know, totally TMI but you bring that out in me.
Oh my god that’s so funny. Oh, and my husband can NEVER find out about this Ambien problem…
Classic, priceless, X-brand comedy. Brilliant.
Oh by the way, my hubby was laughing just THIS MORNING about Ambian and how it makes some people sleep walk. I hope to God he never finds about the other side effect. I swear, he’ll slip it in my food.
I took 1/2 an Ambien once on a flight home from Brazil. I took it during the dinner meal at the beginning of the flight and have ZERO recollection of anything for the rest of the 10 hours until we were on the decent. I have no idea what happened during those 10 hours- I may have fallen face first into my dinner tray, or used my neighbor as a pillow and drooled all over her- who knows. But your story now has me even more concerned.
OhmygodIjustlaughedsohardIalmostpeed. Pure awesomeness. Also, don’t tell my husband.
wait? i just thought people drove around and shit? oh lord. my mom has a stash of ambien at home. i am officially grossed out.
Thanks for writing, I very much liked
Samantha Who and Big Bang Theory are two of my favorite TV programs to watch.,:.
we like to watch Samantha Who because the characters in that tv program are really funny and cute.-`*