OK, well, if my ass would’ve had the time to write this here post a couple days ago, or even a couple weeks ago, hell, even a couple months ago, the answer would’ve been easy: “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” Yes, I’m one of those.
In fact, forget the Beverly Hills part. I’m just obsessed with Real Housewives, period. I even watched every episode of the D.C. franchise. I’ve finally decided that I need to scale back. These bitches are taking over my life. You’ve got two franchise episodes a week, followed by “Watch What Happens Live” (LOVE Andy Cohen!). Then, just when you think you’ve wasted enough of your life, the reunion episodes hit you with a one-two punch and then you’re told that a a week later will bring an episode of “never before seen footage.” It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
If you’re like me (and I hope you’re not, for the sake of your dignity) then you also read the blogs, watch the bonus scenes and check out the “before they were housewives” photos on bravotv.com. Jesus, if, after reading this, my loved ones aren’t waiting at my house with forlorn expressions and a strange guy who just wants me to take the help he’s offering, I will feel very unloved.
I’ve told myself I’m scaling back. I was all prepared to give up the NYC chicks, but then Bravo went and replaced them with the Miami Latinas. I gotta watch my people Housewife it up. And, like Otis Redding before me, I’ve been loving Orange County too long to stop now. So, the addiction continues…
But that’s my guilty pleasure. My REAL favorite thing right now — the one that I don’t feel an ounce of guilt taking pleasure in — is a young woman who is changing the face of hip-hop. That’s right. She’s putting a little lipstick, MAC Pink 4 Friday to be specific, on its lips, brushing on some NARS Orgasm blush and screaming to the world that she’s . . .
A MOTHER FUCKIN’ MONSTER!
And, I’m just one among 989,300 who’s listening (as of this week). Her name is Nicki Minaj and she ain’t no joke. She also ain’t no Li’l Kim. She’s not trying to tell us what her boyfriend does while she watches cartoons or how many Sprite cans she can fit in her nasty mouth that would be better off stuffed with bars of soap. Yeah, she raps about sex here and there. But she also raps about sports, relationships, jealous women, soul-searching, hard times, ol’ boys clubs. She has depth.
Before her album, Pink Friday, dropped, I was looking up the videos she’s featured in on YouTube and fast-fowarding through the main artist, just to get to her part. Kanye, Jay-Z, Mariah, Drake, Li’l Wayne? Yeah, yeah, yeah — where’s Nicki?! Oh there she is, upstaging those fools on tracks they thought were theirs.
Look, I started resenting new hip-hop music. No one was impressing me. I started thinking I was going to be one of those people who talks about how music was great in their day, but this stuff kids are listening to now? Garbage! Except homegirl changed all that. No one in the game right now flows like Nicki Minaj. I didn’t say no female rapper flows like Nicki Minaj. I said NO ONE flows like her. That means no female rapper, no male rapper, no white rapper, no black rapper. No one in the game right now flows like Nicki Minaj.
HANG IT UP. FLAT SCREEN.
Her wit and clever way with words literally gives me the goose bumps. Yes, I know how to properly use the word “literally.” That’s what she does to me. This woman inspires me. She has restored my faith in hip-hop. She makes me want to write the shit out of something. She is, hands down, no doubt about it, my favorite thing right now.
Here’s a glimpse at why. Warning: You’re about to hear LOTS of naughty language. If you’re still in, remember you have to fast-forward to get to the good part. Oh, and you should also know she’s a little schizophrenic. But it’s the finest case of schizophrenia your ears have ever heard.