A Suzie Orman Approach to Dating
Posted By startswithanx on July 22, 2008
Before Jake and I got together, I went out with a string of cocksuckers. Some were predictable, like Eddie and Flav. Others caught me off guard, like a weird twist in a thriller movie: “What? You’re an asshole? Holy shit, I didn’t see that one comin’. Damn, you’re good at playing good! Now get the fuck out.”
One by one they came. One by one they went. And when you invest a year or more on a guy, you can’t help but think about it as a lost investment. I put in work on these guys. From their manners to their grooming habits to — the real important stuff — their cunnilingus technique.
And then I’d get hit with a whammy that I simply couldn’t recover from. You know like a phone call that went like this: “I don’t know how to say this so here it goes, I have chlamydia and you need to get checked.” (That was Flav.) It’s like buying a piece of shit house that you expect to flip and selling it for half what you paid.
So, after my last ex, I decided I wanted risk-free dating. I came up with a list of pre-requisites to filter out the high-risk suitors. The idea was to decrease the potential for losses by making sure not to date men who didn’t meet the pre-requisites. The result? A high profit relationship. I’m telling you, Suzie Orman would be proud.
Here’s the risk-free list:
- Can not frequent strip clubs.
- Can not be an ass man.
- Must perform cunnilingus.
- Can not have children.
- Can not have an ex wife.
- Can not have had breakup in past six months.
- Must have car.
- Must be punctual.
- Must introduce you to all women friends
- Must be excellent dancer.
- Must be smart.
- Must be hilarious.
- Can not have roaming eye.
- Can not play video games.
- Must listen to hip-hop.
- Must listen to more than just hip-hop.
- Can not take longer to get ready than you.
- Must take you on dates.
- Must call you when goes out of town.
- Can not smoke cigarettes.
- Can not get wasted on work nights.
- Must own cell phone.
- Must be Democrat.
- Can not be religious.
- Can not use racial slurs.
- Must fit in with family.
- Can not have transient nature.
- Must love food.
- Must have career.
- Can not love silicone
Jake met 24 out of 30, for anyone wondering. Which ones he didn’t meet I won’t say but today he’s 28 out of 30.
What can I say? I invested wisely.
That is a really clever idea. oh and I love Susie O. She tells it like it is…kinda like someone else I “know”
1) can not be Virgo
2) can not have Children
Yes I know these sound a bit shallow, but I have my reasons.
Funny… the lists. A good friend of mine has a checklist of things she wants from a guy. And she is serious about wanting the ltr whereas I just want to date… in any case, generally she brings up the list of things she wants, but I think that list is really fluid — they are guidelines more than rules. On the other hand, there is the list that she doesn’t talk about as much but puts to use without even trying — the cannot possibly have list.
I like that yours mixes the two together! and 24 out of 30 was excellent — so 28 out of 30 is practically perfect in every way! Go Jake.
Brilliant! How long did you date before you realized you had a keeper based on your list? Or did you just present him with the list on your first date and tell him to fess up?
Needs to be able to sing. Has anyone ever seen Mississippi Masala? The scene where Denzel’s character sings Happy Birthday to Sarita’s character while laying in bed I just think that is so tender and a man with a good singing voice just makes me melt.
It feel like I’m sneaking around in the lion’s den, but OK, I’ll bite. And I’m not trying to disprove your method (which seems to have worked for you), I’m just curious about the thinking behind it.
Why no men with ex-wives (assuming there are no children involved, of course)?
and…
What negative behavioral attribute is inherent in an “ass man?” I mean, are men genetically predisposed to acting a certain way if they appreciate a nice butt or something? Is this a personal experience thing?
Just curious…
Aubrey, glad you asked. I want to marry someone who hasn’t said the vows before.
As for the “ass man,” I have no ass. I want a man who can appreciate what Mama’s already got, know what I mean.
This could very well turn into another post.
Tina, I met Jake in 2006. I was 29. I knew very early that he met most of the requirements. I found out through some suave interrogations and also from flat out asking. He knew about the list.
Now that is one comprehensive, and realistic, list! I like it!
Oh Jake – why aren’t there more of you around?
must have car…that is fucking hilarious, and a given.
Oh man I thought when I read the title you might be going gay and then I was so worried about Jake! But then I calmed the fuck down and read the thing.
All good qualities. I’m particularly fond of 11 & 12.
That’s a great post today, honey. I’m glad you wrote how many on the list I used to meet and how many I meet now. I didn’t want to have to call you out because of a few of the items that are very high on the list I did not meet at first. But, saying that, it’s one of my true accomplishments because I still ended up getting with you, better yet, we’re still together.
Holy crap, that’s one long-ass set of qualifications.
I met my husband on a blind date. When my cousin set us up, all she said to recommend him was “He’s really tall and he doesn’t do drugs.” Not much to go on, but I went for it and two decades later we’re still together. Although, on vacation recently, he called me a titty baby and that’s pretty unacceptable. So add to your list:
31. Cannot call loved one a titty baby.
Mayberry Magpie
Wow! 28 out of 30! That’s great!
Did Jake have a list, or something like that too? No, really! I want to know what can be on a guy’s list, assuming he is at least 20/30.
Wow.
I totally wouldn’t have had a chance.
I’m thinking #3 should be #1.
Ugh, how about
1) No Star Wars, Star Trek, LOTR, etc addiction.
LOL I like that my husband plays video games, because I play them too, and he leaves me alone while I play them. =D
I’d like to add “must love dogs” to that list. Cat men are kind of weird…
X: marry Jake.
Jake: you rock.
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