So, I’ve been thinking more and more about the “first dance” song for our wedding. The more I think about it, the more I think it’s a ridiculous ritual. Why the hell do people want to spend three minutes and 45 seconds of their lives watching us rock back and forth while holding each other with nervous smiles on our faces? Isn’t that why we were promoted from 9th grade to 10th grade (yes, I went to junior high not middle school) — so we never had to witness such a pathetic display again?
I mean, come on, it’s boring as hell. The only people whose dancing can make me remotely misty-eyed is Clair and Cliff, aka The Madre and The Padre. Oh yeah, Kim Kardashian brought me to tears during her Dancing with the Stars run, but that was only because, as Chris Rock put it, she had “all that ass and couldn’t shake it.” Kinda the same as my parents making me emotional?
So, I had an idea. Before I share it, you should know that I’ve been full of wedding ideas that, when expressed, are all but met with people spitting at my feet. It all comes down to how ridiculous I find so many of these wedding traditions. Like cutting the cake. What? Since when is that something worthy of putting your fork down, zipping your lips and busting out your cameras for? It’s like, because we’ve decided to marry each other, we’ve become invalids or babies or something. Everything we do for the first time as husband and wife, that everyone else in the room, including ourselves, do every day is supposed to be some big landmark moment. Oh look, X is sneezing for the first time as Jake’s wife: Awwww.
I had this one idea — not the idea this post is about, but another one — when we first got the wedding talk going almost a year ago. We were tossing around the idea of getting married at our house, in front of immediate family and best friends. Our stairs would’ve been the aisle. Hey, wouldn’t it be hilarious, I told Jake and Venus, if we sent a stunt double down the aisle first? Yeah, we could have her in this big pouffy white dress, with one of those veils over her face that’s so layered you can’t see her face. We’ll start the cheesy-ass wedding march music and she’ll “accidentally” tumble down our stairs!!!
Silence. Followed by squinty eyes and furrowed brows. Followed by stares that started at my eyes, went all the way down to my feet and then came back to my eyes again. Followed by a nervous “Just kidding!” from me and slow steps backward.
So, back to the first dance song. I think we should meet the sillyness of this tradition and raise it a few chips. What if we did something a little, um, unexpected? Like the song below, for example. You HAVE to give good ol’ Sylvia a listen. Around the three minute mark it hits its peak: “Un momento poquito.” I figure that’s when I’ll go into my dance solo while Jake takes a seat and just nods his head up and down, like guys do when they get lap dances.
You have to really imagine us holding each other tight and gazing into each other’s eyes well into the 2:30 mark for this gem. And then you have to imagine the reaction of our guests.
Anyone need a wedding planner? I’m really getting good at this stuff.