I never knew condolences could be offered for things besides, like, deaths in the family. But, since Friday I’ve learned that Hallmark probably makes a card for people whose houses have been burgled. (P.S. Can anyone use ”burgle” in a sentence with a straight face?) We got a ton of text messages and phone calls and just facial expressions that said “my thoughts are with you” from people who heard the news and wanted us to know how sorry they were for our loss-es.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m touched by it all. I really am. It means a lot to know people care that much, but it honestly makes me feel like kind of an asshole. If I found out someone’s house got burgled (hee hee, burgled) I’d have a ton of questions (Are you OK? What’d they take? Any ideas who did it?), but beyond that I’d probably just be like “Dude. Shitty.”
People are telling us to “hang in there.” They’re asking how we’re holding up. They’re bringing over casseroles with black veils over their faces. OK, the veils aren’t always black, but here’s my favorite thing they’re doing. They all wanna know if they can offer us their extra TV. Actually, only our friends with penises want to know that. But, when they offer it up — all 55 pounds of it cuz we are talking about the EXTRA television set – they get this tone. The tone you get when you let a friend know just how high on the friend totem pole you place them. ”Hey man, I got a TV, if you need it.” Now read that quote again, but add one of those hugs that end with hard, manly slaps on the back and you’ll have an idea what I mean.
The thing is, at first the TV offers made me laugh. The same kind of laugh I got when Jake’s buddies kept calling for counseling sessions during the Izzo fiasco. But now I’m realizing how insightful our friends with penises were when they offered their extra TV’s that are just a few model upgrades shy of needing bunny ears. See, we have two extra TV’s, but one of them is in a room we never enter so now it’s like we have one TV, which can cause problems in a two-person household.
For instance, Monday night Jake was man-handling the remote from my hands because we’d “already seen this episode” of New Jersey Housewives. Realizing he had a point, I surrendered the almighty device. Shortly after, I found myself watching a mashup of Holly’s World, Remember the Titans and ESPN. He couldn’t even wait for commercial breaks, flipping channels like he was Mary Lou Retton. It was Holly’s boobs, Denzel, an awesome double play. Over and over and over.
Speaking of ESPN, Monday morning we battled it out over which was more important, Sports Center or The Today Show’s segment on who MIGHT be attending Chelsea Clinton’s wedding, where it MIGHT be held and what her Oscar de la Renta dress MIGHT look like. Which one was I pulling for? C’mon now, you know I love me some LeBron James with my cold cereal.
Oh, and remember our little Jeopardy challenges? Well, we had to forfeit Monday’s game for a meeting with the home alarm salesman and last night’s game was cancelled due to my Espanol lesson. I guess it’s not the TV I miss so much. It’s the DVR. The relationship-saving, godsent DVR.
But back to our well-wishers. I can’t say I was traumatized by the break-in experience, but I can definitely understand why Jake was. Things haven’t quite been the same since Friday — for either of us. For me it’s a good thing. For him, not so good. More on that in another post. Regardless of how we’ve taken it, we’re both happy for a few things it’s brought. The sweet condolences, the 55-pound TV offers slash male bonding moments, the frequent use of the word “burgle” and, what was the last thing? Oh yes, the casseroles. Thanks, everyone.