Jake’s Fluent in 3 Languages: English, Spanish & Excuses
Posted By startswithanx on June 24, 2010
I will be visiting Jake’s motherland in October 2011. No, I’m not referring to East Lansing, home of Michigan State. More like Paraguay, the South American country that’s not Uruguay. Or, as it’s recently become known, the country whose soccer team sports candycane-striped socks. Paraguay is the place of his birth, where everyone in his extended family, besides one aunt still resides.
The equivalent for my family would be Nampa, Idaho, which I keep telling him he’ll eventually have to visit and he keeps asking me if we can meet somewhere in the middle. Nonetheless, I obviously win when it comes to making the trip to meet the extended families.
One problem: No hablo Espanol. Actualmente, esta no es verdad. Puedo hablar Espanol, pero muy, muy poco.
OK, I guess there’s two problems: I can say all that with a fine Mexican accent so most people I have to say it to think I’m being modest and continue in that auctioneer-fast mode of talking that Latinos love to use. What I really need to learn to say is, “Dude, seriously. I look like I know and pronounce like I know, but I don’t know.”
Make that three problems: People close to me convince themselves they can teach me. Cliff was the first, circa second grade. He took a second, unsuccessful swing at it again four years ago. Jake is the latest well-intentioned soul to give it a go.
It all started a couple weeks ago when I decided, if the Mormon missionaries can become fluent in two months, I for damn sure can do it in 16. So, I paid Craig’s List a little visit and came out of there — not only unraped and unmurdered — but with the name, fair rate and public address of a little woman from Spain named Cristina, or Crithtina, to be regionally accurate. When I proudly reported my plan and findings to Jake, he acted like the farmer whose wife just brought home a bag of produce from Albertson’s.
Jake: What would you do that for?
Me: ‘Cause I wanna be fluent when I meet your family.
Jake: Baby, save your money! I can teach you. Spanish from now on at home.
Me: That’s what my dad said. It doesn’t work. You’re gonna get impatient with me.
Jake: No, I won’t.
Yes, he did.
Guess how many times we’ve practiced the “Spanish at home” policy? Una vez, aka ONE TIME. And, although I couldn’t help but notice he was taking great pleasure in that one time — because I was about as vocal as a monk with laryngitis — he’s turned me down every day since. Why? Because he’s “too tired.”
We’re not EXERCISING in Spanish, we’re SPEAKING in Spanish. Wait ‘til you hear his excuse. According to Jake, this is where the male species will have to forfeit victory to the female species every time: He’s tired because he can’t TALK for long periods of time. Which is why I don’t want to hear his Paraguayan ass or my father’s Mexican machismo speak a word of criticism when they realize I speak Spanish the way Cindy Brady spoke English — with a cute-until-it’s-not-cute lisp, the way Crithtina and her native country like it.
Hahahahaha. Ohhhh Jake, silly boy. You go rock it with Cristina.
HA HA HA I love that Jake knows 3 languages – English, Spanish and Excuses! Girl, you are cracking me up right now. Tell me how the tutorial goes and maybe I’ll go on Craigslist to fine someone to teach me Brazilian Portugese.
I asked an RM (Return Missionary) once how they learn to speak a different language so quickly. He said the first thing is everything in your living quarters has a sticker on it with the spanish translation. The other is that you are essentially in a How to Speak Spanish boot camp for two months. And after all that he says he still wasn’t as prepared as he would have liked to be. He started to really pick-up on it when he was forced to communicate with others in Spanish on a day to day basis. You might not really get the swing of things until you get there. Good luck!
X is fluent in 3 languages: English, Exaggeration and Impatience. The First time we had this conversation was just more than a week ago. In that time we had one two-hour tutorial, which was during the Lakers/Celtics game 7 no less. Talk about impatient! I had a busy week. It’s good she’s getting a tutor, I didn’t even want to teach her anyway … How about them socks though, folks? Sexier than socks on a rooster!
Tip- pray before each tutoring session! Ask for help with learning and retaining
. Couldn’t hurt right? 
buena suerte hermana…i am thinking immersion is the only way at this point.
The problem with family or partners teaching you ANYTHING is that shit gets way too emotional way too fast. Case in point: someone I love and who may or may not share a living space with me (ahem) does not know how to ride a bike. (I know, right?) I’ve expressed my desire to be able to ride bikes with him (because I’m kind of a bike nerd), but he wants ME to teach him. Except daaaamn, I know I’ll get frustrated in a quick minute. I’m trying to convince him to do a workshop at REI.
Anyway, I digress. Immersion is the way to go. I took five semesters of Spanish in college, yet felt like I could hardly say, “Hola, como estás?” when I arrived for a semester in Madrid. Within a week of the Spanish lisp all day, every day (C’s and Z’s, not S’s, by the way), this Astrid’s pochaness was quickly melting away.
X, that sticker idea is the only way I learned Spanish in junior high and high school. Real life experiences helped me too — I’d go shopping at Mexican grocery stores and tried to hold conversations with the working kids who rode the bus and then would go pick apples after school. When it came to conjugating verbs, that’s when I got all screwed up. Ud. is too formal for most laid back convos, and I never understood how to truly use vosotros. Hope it works out well!