What’s the BIG Deal?
Posted By startswithanx on January 24, 2010
***As you may have noticed, I’ve been a little busy the past couple weeks. Looks like the next few weeks will be just as busy. For your entertainment while I’m tied up, my beloved boyfriend, Jake, who you’ve all come to know and love, has agreed to fill in for me from time to time. So, without further ado, I give you THE ONE, THE ONLY, JAKE, raw and uncut. …
Do you ever get the feeling the real you is someone you’re not? Like the case of the high school jock who is dashingly handsome but also dangerously shy even though all the girls would drop trou’ at the snap of his fingers.
Well, I suffer from this affliction.
I’m a fat guy stuck in a chubby guy’s body.
What’s the difference, you ask? My bod bares a likeness to Turtle on “Entourage.” I’m obviously a chubster. Ya know, half way between Mick Jagger and James Gandolfini. But I love food like a fat person. Not that I have anything against fat people. Some of my closest friends are metabolically-challenged.
See, for someone who doesn’t know the difference between a wok and a frying pan, I spend entirely too much time in the kitchen.
I’ve been like this my entire life. My weight has yo-yoed more than Oprah’s. Age six through 10 I was legitimately fat. So pudgy, in fact, that my mom put me on the swim team. How do you shatter a husky boy’s self esteem? Put him in a Speedo and make him swim laps.
Good job, Mom. I now know why I cried myself to sleep until my teen years.
But Mom’s plan worked. I got in shape. And even became athletic. I excelled in most sports. I dare say some girls wanted me for my body.
But then came high school. It seemed I was chubby on the opposite years, and then I would hate myself, work out, and get skinny for the even years. Same thing in college. My social life went great during the years I could’ve been the body double for Jon Favreau in “Swingers.” And when I looked like Favreau does now? Well, that’s when I learned women are as shallow as men.
So now here I am, age 28. Wanting nothing more than to have the scale read 15 pounds heavier than my heyday. For the curious, I’m 15 pounds away from that goal right now. I bring this up because for the last four months I must have told X three times a week that next week is the week I begin to work out again. … “I MEAN IT this time,” I proclaimed.
Well, next week is today. The treadmill beckons and no excuse is keeping me out of the gym.
Let’s just hope that during that stroll down the frozen-food aisle I don’t see the pint of “Chubby Hubby” ice cream that has made me its bitch more than X in our who “wears-the-pants” arguments. Let’s just hope the “Jersey Shore” reunion is not on. Or that I don’t suddenly take up horseback riding.
It’s 2010, right?
Let’s hope Obamacare passes because the treadmill is looking mighty menacing.
You can do it Jake! Just think, you were illiterate until last week, too. And now you’re a bona fide guest blogger. Your peeps in Michigan have faith in you and know you can ‘walk the dog’ in this yo-yo trick of yours!!
i know it is soo easy to start the workout tomorrow or next week, but you just need to do it. i have faith in you, and don’t be so hard on yourself . good luck!
Ugh! I hate the gym too and I can totally relate! I will find every excuse not to go but tonight is the night! At least I’ve found a class I like (Zumba). Maybe you can find a class you like i.e. Kickbox or Spin. This may help motivate you. Best of luck to you Jake! You can do it!
A girl who begged to be the coach’s asst during high school swim class, I can totally identify with your line, “How do you shatter a husky boy’s self esteem? Put him in a Speedo and make him swim laps.” You go, Jake!
You totally can do it. You should get some Wii Fit and Wii Sport or whatever they are called and go for it that way. I got really sick and really fat because of it, and managed to lose 80 pounds. You don’t HAVE to go to the gym to do it, I didn’t. I have a bike and weight bench at home.
Judging by some of these comments X and I got the impression that some readers might think I’m depressed or have severe body issues. Let me just assure you, that is not the case. I’m a confident dude who isn’t afraid to laugh at himself. I just want to lose 15 pounds just like about half of America.
Ha! … Baby, just go ahead and tell them.
What Jake meant to say is, well, he’s a dysfunctional bulimic. He has the binging part down, but hasn’t quite mastered the purging. I know, tragic.
Thanks for the comments, everyone!
Looks like it’s timely to finally breakdown and buy a gaming system. I say get a Wii and go for the Wii Fit. It’ll make it easier to work out if you are also playing a video game at the same time. Plus in the long run it will be less expensive than a gym membership.
Jake you left out how in college you were not as plump. But fatties flocked to you like a Snickers ice cream bar. Some how you plumped up landed X. Its a scientific anomaly!
Neil armstrong: scientific anomaly? It’s called pimping, son.
yeah, i am pretty sure all of us can feel your pain…even the skinny bitches! i am very competitive and now that i am grown it is hard to find a competitive team for my sport of choice to keep me in shape but i will continue the search. how about going back to swimming? or finding a basketball team? so with that, i wish you good skill and not good luck!
You will fail. Fail miserably. Just like me.
JUST KIDDING JAKE…I just felt like I was getting a little nauseous from all of the LOVE FEST going on. I stepped foot in the LVAC for the first time in like a year last Wednesday. Haven’t been back since but am going tomorrow. Keep on keepin’ on, Jake but I will totally join you for that Jersey Shore reunion.
Jake – you look great just as you are!
(but…..the secret is – tickle the Uvula)
Hi Jake! You know that you just outted yourself on the internet and now these bitches will hold you to it. Maybe that was your evil plan…
listen jake: can’t we all just be the people we “see” ourselves to be? for instance, i’m grace jones in my mind somedays, even on the days when i’m more sally field/norma rae.
treadmill be damned!
oh, i mean: good luck brother.
[...] you know Jake, or if you read his guest post, then you know that’s like asking a hitchhiker if he wants a [...]
haha, I love Zumba Fitness it´s so fun exercise!
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