Posted By startswithanx on January 5, 2010

The trip back to Utah was great for Jake and I, but for our daughter — who has four legs, blond hair and floppy ears — it was a wild, rip-roarin’ time. I guess that’s what happens when you’ve got a new suitor lusting after you with every corner you turn. I mean …. speaking from experience, YES, that is exactly what happens.

I watched Serena’s dog prey on my little Penny with the same calculated vigilance the old guy at the club uses with the girls who clearly fake ID their way in. Harry, a springer spaniel, is a little older. He’s rockin’ grey whiskers and has packed on a few pounds in the past year. But, just like a human male, that didn’t stop him from thinking he could snatch up the PYT who came prancing into his heart, ahem home, a week before Christmas.

After attempting several times to just straight up knock boots with my innocent little pup in plain daylight with “Little Drummer Boy” playing in the background and four witnesses on-hand, he finally realized that was no way to court a lady. So, he got slick and put into motion the full court press. Harry decided to show the prissy little Penny how real dogs roll.

On her second day at his house, Harry caught Penny staring and sniffing at his doggy door in awe. Recognizing an opportunity, he got up from his bed. I watched Harry go out the door and come back in. Go out the door and come back in. Over and over, and then he stopped. When he didn’t come back through I peaked out the window to find him sitting on the porch, staring at the doggy door with snowflakes falling on those gray whiskers. Well, well, well, I thought. What do ya know? An old dog’s teaching Penny new tricks.

By that night she was dashing through the doggy door and rolling around in the snow outside. Our little princess was acting like a real dog and I wasn’t sure how to feel about it. This is a pooch who refuses to eat her food unless it’s covered in parmesan cheese. She held her bladder for 13 hours one day because it was raining outside. She rocks a rhinestone-studded collar for crying out loud. So, to see her digging holes while wearing her bright new candy cane sweater (thanks Asian Spice!) was hard to get used to.

Until she started eating Harry’s non-Parmesan-covered food and stopped whimpering whenever I left a room. She didn’t even notice if I left a room; she was having too much fun with her new sugar daddy. What attachment issues?

But, just when we were ready to have Harry over for Sunday supper, Jake exposed him for the fraud he was! It happened on Christmas Eve. Jake found them on Serena’s bed. In the dark. No joke.

I think there were satin sheets and a dozen roses involved. Apparently that wasn’t enough to lure our Penny, though. Jake busted in on the scene before anything was consummated. The next day, however, we made an outing that left the two cuddling canines home alone. We thought long and hard about it, but decided we raised our little girl with the kind of decency and self-respect that wouldn’t let her lower herself to the advances of Harry (read: the bitch is fixed).

All seemed to be well when we returned home. Until bedtime. That’s when Penny woke us up to the sound of vomiting. When I turned the light on, I found a mess in her bed that consisted of corn husks and a lovely green concoction.

Seeing how we never feed her human food and she’s too short to reach the counter tops, I knew it meant one thing. Harry valiantly pulled the homemade tamales off the counter and shared them with his sweetheart.

When Cliff heard the news I swear he developed a newfound respect for Harry, who he solely thought of as the creature that sheds hair everywhere and barks uncontrollably when the mailman comes. He raised one eyebrow and thought about it for a second. A smile came across his face: “At least he’s a gentleman.”

I have to hand it to Harry. He saw something he wanted and found a way to get it. And I’m not talking about the tamales. True playa for real!

Other four-legged creatures weren’t so lucky. But came dangerously close. In my next post I’ll tell you why my friends and family started FALSELY accusing our Penny of being a — gasp! — trollop.

Categories: family, relationships, this happened, utah