A woman’s right to shoes

We have been looking for a house since February and we’re pretty sure we found one this weekend. But that’s not what this post is about.

We spent the better half of Saturday with our realtor, a woman who goes by the name of an iconic first lady. We’ll call her Betty Ford. It’s my suspicion that Betty Ford wants to make Jake her next vice. She tells him how smart he is, what lovely hair he has and on Saturday took the liberty of massaging his shoulders. 

It was an odd moment. I couldn’t bring myself to make eye contact with Jake for a couple reasons. One, I don’t know what I’d have done if he looked to be enjoying it. But the more significant reason was that I could almost guarantee he would look like a kid in one of those after school specials about molestation: “Why is my special friend touching me like this?” And an expression indicating such would’ve sent me to a little place Jake likes to refer to as Giggletown, population 1. But that’s not what this post is about.

While checking out the backyard of a house we were particularly interested in, Betty Ford decided to take off her lesbian shoes (I’ll explain in a minute) and dip her tootsies into the jacuzzi. THIS IS WHAT THIS POST IS ABOUT.

Her shoes weren’t Birkenstocks but they were similar in that they were the kind of footwear that are expensive, although the price tag has nothing to do with the aesthetic value. They’re pricey because the manufacturer has gone to great lengths to make them as pleasurable to the feet as a champagne room stripper is to her clients. 

Betty Ford has no doubt spent most her adult years (and I put her in her early 60s) in lesbian shoes. Her feet told me so. The only other female feet over 25 that I’ve seen in such flawless condition belong to lesbians. But Betty Ford isn’t a lesbian. Just ask Jake. 

Her feet didn’t sport a single callus, corn or crack. I was in awe. Was Betty Ford onto something? 

Clearly this woman has never rocked a stiletto, platform or four inch wedge, which also means she’s never known the relief of removing them. She’s never bought a pair of shoes and factored in the cost of valet. She’s never considered her spouse’s height when selecting her shoes for the evening. 

But you know what else she’s never done? Betty Ford has never instantly shed five pounds after slipping on a pair of really high ones. She’s never dangled a peep toe pump off her toe instead of massaging a guy’s shoulders. She’s never told someone her height and had them say, “Really? Why do you seem so much taller?”

I guess the world’s made of two kinds of women: Your high heeled kind and your lesbian shoes kind. 


11 thoughts on “A woman’s right to shoes

  1. I’ll never understand women and their infinite obsession with shoes. Plus, I’m short, and tall women intimidate me. But when short to average-size women wear heels, they automatically become tall. It’s almost unfair to think that girls can enhance what god’s have given them just by rocking a pair of heels. … Oh well, I guess that’s what they deserve because we get to pee standing up.

  2. I love shedding an extra 5 lbs by wearing sexy heels. Even more then that I love putting on those heels and nothing else making imprints in my mans chest. I think the pain of wearing those heels during the day for me and during the night for him, is worth every minute!!!

  3. i hate to wear anything that makes my feet hurt. i can appreciate a good heel on another person (SATC) for instance but in the back of my heard i’m thinking that shit must hurt. i prefer sneakers, and if i could afford it i would have a closet full of the dopest ones out there but that is just me.

  4. Heels are sexy. I don’t think it is so much the “shoes” as it is the WAY the shoes make you walk. You have a different, sexier walk the second you put them on. (or you should – god forbid you walk like a linebacker in some stiletto’s) The sad thing is they hurt MORE the older you get. Just something to look forward to!

  5. I agree with Samantha and Kendra…not to mention that wearing heels makes my chicken legs look like there’s a little bit of muscle to them! It’s definately worth the trouble. It’s true though, the older you get the more heels hurt…we’ll just have to invest in some top-of-the-line cushion inserts!!

  6. During the work week I tend to rock the comfortable fitting lesbian shoe and during the weekend I’m known to throw on a reasonable stacked 2 – 2 1/2 inch heel. Even though I’m sitting at a desk the majority of the work day I still don’t think it is worth rocking the much more attractive heel at work because I will pay the price when I walk up my three flights of stairs…so instead I opt to do it on the weekend when I’m more likely to be inebriated and less likely to feel the pain.

  7. They do hurt more when you get older but it’s all about the right remedies. Seriously, Summer Soles are the shit. They take away that gross, slimy feel your feet get, which also makes them hurt. And, heel grippers help, too. Another good painful shoe remedy are those Dr. Scholl’s gel inserts. The bomb! If you guys don’t use these you should start. They made a HUGE difference for me.

  8. Damn straight it’s worth it! I’m 5’11″, and I wear 3″ heels ALL the time. If I didn’t, I might have to actually lose weight.

    Mayberry Magpie

    P.S. Thanks for stopping by. Love your site and your sense of humor.

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