I can finally use “Ass and Titties” in a title and it’s not a reflection of my own perversions
Posted By startswithanx on December 15, 2009
I spent last weekend in heaven. Not MY heaven, but definitely someone else’s heaven. Undoubtedly Jake’s heaven. And, it’s safe to say it was his college buddies’ heaven, too.
Jake’s friend, “Neil Armstrong,” celebrated his 30th birthday. His girlfriend, Katarina, and younger brother threw him the kind of party I imagine Diddy would probably have if he weren’t Diddy and were just plain ol’ Did.
NA lives in L.A., four blocks from the beach. Unfortunately, Mother Nature decided to disprove Tony Toni Tone’s hit from the early ’90s, “It Never Rains in Southern California,” and pissed all over the city of angels all weekend long, only relenting the morning of our departure. But, who needs sunny weather when you have NBA Jam delivered to your doorstep and planted in the corner of your house’s breezeway, adjacent to the ping pong table that sits across from the full service bar. Certainly not Jake and his friends, whose back sides I became very well-acquainted with after NBA Jam was hooked up and running. For those not in the know, it’s an arcade game that was as popular in the mid-’90s as Frogger in the early ’80s. Duh.
You know the holy rollers who lift their hands to the heavens with tears streaming down their faces when the Holy Ghost enters their souls? That’s kinda what happened when this game arrived at the house. I’m pretty sure I saw at least one of Jake’s friends — ahem, BMuttz — skip to the NBA Jam corner on more than one occasion.
It wasn’t just the game that made it heaven-like, either. It could’ve had something to do with the rented popcorn machine, five different NA-made home brews, never ending supply of liquor or the cumulus clouds of Cannabis smoke on which the guys bounced up and down on in slow motion for three days and two nights.
And then the actual birthday party came. It was held at NA’s favorite neighborhood bar. Shots were created in honor of the event and the entire place was closed down to the public. The big surprise, the part we all had to keep on the DL, made its appearance around 10:30 and came with two turntables. DJ Assault flew in from Detroit for this dude’s 30th. His claim to fame: A little number titled “Ass and Titties.”
Tell me I wasn’t in testosterone heaven this past weekend. Try and tell me. While you’re at it, tell me what is the female equivalent (Katarina says it would have to be tickets to Oprah’s Favorite Things). After you do that, tell me if you think a song called “Balls and Shafts” would be a hit with the ladies cuz I’d love to add singer-songwriter to my resume.
The picture says it all. That’s hysterical. Glad NA had a great birthday and everyone got to spend a little time in 30-something Man Heaven.
“Balls and Shafts” seems like a sure-fire winner to me.
The weekend was phenomenal!! You forgot to mention Jake’s 2 new dance moves, ‘The Seizure’ and ‘The Coke Head’, but all in all, a pretty good recap of a weekend I barely remember!
Wow… I don’t even know what to say. That sounds like an awesome weekend for a dude. I can’t imagine a party on that scale, I hope it was tolerable for you ladies.
And balls and shafts… awesome.. 
You’re a good girlfriend X. I would have steered clear away from that party!
I’m pretty sure I’m familiar with the song Ass and Titties. If it’s the one I’m thinking about Chris walks around the house singing/rapping it all the time. Sounds like a pretty dope weekend for Jake and his buddies, stuff dreams are made of.
Not quite heaven — there are more buffalo wings in heaven — but definitely heavenly. This weekend was a blast. I almost forgot about the “seizure” and “coke head” … X forgot to mention when the Grinch served Santa in a dance competition and how we almost died in a 15-person van. Definitely solid times. Glad X was there to experience it with me.
P.S. I miss NBA JAM.
Feel free to visit NBA Jam whenever. I’m awful at it (and disinterested), which breaks Neil’s heart. As I headed to the shower this morning, all I heard was the noise of the NBA Jam being fired up. It wasn’t even 8 a.m. You guys visited Testosterone Heaven for a weekend; I am now living it. I’m so glad you guys could make it!
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i love the picture! when i am rich i will have to buy you the frogger arcade game but you may just have to settle for the old school atari. i am pretty sure u nailed it with the oprahs favs for the female equivalent.
First off, that DOES sound like Asian Spice’s worst nightmare. The photo is awesome and I’m sorry that Jake is having withdrawals.
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